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| Maggie wants to know why everyone thinks they know her.
Maggie wants to know why everyone thinks they have the greatest advice.
Maggie wants to know why she can't run to the One Who does.
But it's because of all the others... The ones who know nothing. The ones who fail. The ones who bring the tears... Those ones.
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| Maggie feels attacked, broken, and lonely.
Satan sucks. Spread the word.
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| Dear Maggie,
Do you realize how immature and inadequate I feel some days? I was looking at the archives of my mind/xanga to see what I'd find. And how idiotic it all was. The times I felt most in control and pulled together look so retarded now. The things I wanted and got... Lame. And I considered that a mature point in my life?
So what about today? Am I still being lame with dreams I have or plans I've made? How incredibly impatient I am after seeing God's timing working in everything? Will I look back three years from now and say "Maggie was soooo lame!" Or will I be proud of what I am? Of who I am? Of what I want? I hope so, but some days, I feel like I have a lot of growing up to do. Is today one of those days? Maybe this time, I'll get it right. Maybe this time I'll let God handle life and let Him decide who I am going to be. Maybe this time it will be easier. And not because bad stuff won't happen, but because I'll know it's coming.
I was thinking today that it's been awhile since I've gone to a funeral. A month and a half... It makes me nervous... Because I'm tired of seeing people hurt and not being able to fix them. And I'm tired of hurting. Death is part of life, but I've dealt with too much of it in the last year. Or is it just enough? Psalm 51 (?) says that God wants broken hearts. And I think I've learned that lesson this year. God breaks my heart so He can put it back together stronger. But did He have to do it by taking so many loved ones Home to eternity? Would I have paid attention if He hadn't? Am I ready for another one? Cause I feel like it's coming up again...
Sincerely Yours,
Maggie
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| I always wonder why I come back to this. I don't use it to keep in touch with people. I don't even check to see if anyone still reads my random thoughts. But I have some today.
God has a humorous sense of timing to say the least. I've made some major changes in my life recently as far as what my vocation will be. Which in turn leads to changing schools and where I'm going to graduate. Which in turn leads to my plans for this fall. As of right now, this exact moment in time, I'm going to be staying at home, looking for work and at the possibility of going to the orphanage in Haiti for a few weeks while I apply to Moody and other colleges to pursue an Urban Ministries program. And I feel at a great peace about this. It's not scary sounding, or illogical, or anything like that. It sounds like a grand adventure that God is writing for me. It makes me think of this one guy called named Abram...or Dave...or Jennie...or Richard...or Blake. God does awesome things, and I'm glad that I stopped running away long enough to change my course and run with Jesus!
It's a good place to be, in God's will. And it's funny, all the things that are coming up that I never would have been able to do if I were going back to OU. The people I meet. And the things I learn about myself. I realized today that I don't feel like so much of a rebel or reject anymore, and neither do I make a point of becoming one. Somebody preached on being a rebel a while ago, I'll have to find the notes. But anyway, I don't think of doing things just because I know some people think that it's wrong. I still want my piercings and tattoos, but it's a little different. I don't avoid the "Christian bubble" as much as I did before, but that's still a work in progress. I'll probably always have trouble trusting churches, but I'm done avoiding it. I'm tired of closing myself off from people because I'm afraid of getting hurt. I'm ready to take some chances with people. And trust God to take care of the details. Because I obviously didn't do a good job when I was trying...
Peace out xanga land. I'll return when you least expect it!
Maggs
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| I've been doing some thinking recently. It's been... intruiging to say the least. Oh how I long for the simplicity of life in years past. I've just spent like an hour reading over ancient xanga posts. And wow. Life has only changed a little bit. It kind of hits me by surprise how much I've changed. And how life has changed me. How living away from the Fam at college has changed me. How living with girls has changed me. How attending college classes has changed me. How meeting my boys has changed me. How going back to my church has changed me. How losing loved ones has changed me. Ends of things are for contemplation right? Ends of semesters are for reflecting on grades and classes and such. (I passed Stats!) But what about the end of a life? What do you contemplate then? Everything? Anything? Nothing? Hmmm... "Everything stops as we look towards the clock;
It feels like we're moving backwards;
It's easy to find potential in before;
But we look the same in the afters."
-We Could Run Away: NeedToBreathe "Can we put back all the pieces to the puzzles left behind?"
-Movin On: NeedToBreathe "I can't help but fear I've done this wrong;
Cause seldom second chances come along;
If time can break us, will it make us strong;
Cause seldom second chances come along."
-Second Chances: NeedToBreathe | | |
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